The perfectly scripted calligraphy on the envelope may be the first clue.
And the matching printed stationery divided by tissue paper inside will
confirm it — you’re invited to a wedding.
Whether it’s your granddaughter tying the knot or your husband’s ex-wife’s
nephew, being a good wedding guest isn’t a role to be taken lightly.
How guests behave — both before and during a wedding— can have a significant
impact on the bride and groom’s nuptial experience.
So let’s get back to that invitation.
First, pay attention to whom it is addressed.
Brides typically word the invitation in a manner that clearly states who is
invited, said Michelle Londrigan, wedding coordinator at the Hilton Springfield,
Ill. For example, if you are welcome to bring a guest, the envelope will say
“and guest.”
Children should accompany parents only if the invitation states “and family”
or specifically includes the children’s names, she said.
“And don’t call the bride and groom and ask (if you can add to the guest
list),” she said. “Because they always say yes, even if they don’t want to.”
Londrigan recommends guests promptly let the couple know who will be
attending. The reply-by date is not a mail-by date, she said.
“What stresses (brides) out and what worries them is the RSVP. People don’t
RSVP,” she said. “When replies aren’t coming back, they start to panic.”
Many reception venues require that the bride and groom guarantee an exact
number of attendees for dinner, usually about three days before the big day.
Whether it’s a sit-down dinner or a buffet reception, the couple must pay for
that guaranteed number of guests, Londrigan said.
Guests who have committed to the wedding date and later learn they cannot
attend should call the bride as soon as possible, she said, even if it’s past
the RSVP deadline.
A few weeks before the wedding, take a peek in your closet. Deciding what to
wear to a wedding can be a tough call, but there are a few rules of thumb guests
can use to guide their decision, said Miranda Scott, designer and consultant for
Parties Unlimited, an event coordinating company in Springfield. Wedding guest
attire varies depending on the season, the formality of the event or the
location, she said.
But generally, if no dress preference is indicated on the invitation, women
should consider a sundress or something comparable for an afternoon wedding or a
cocktail dress for an evening affair. Strapless dresses almost always are
acceptable, Scott said, but some churches may frown on bare shoulders, so
bringing along a wrap or shawl couldn’t hurt.
Men should wear a dress shirt and slacks, and add a tie and jacket if the
affair lasts into late afternoon or evening. Jeans, sandals or shorts, unless
such attire is mentioned on the invitation, are never acceptable, she said.
Black has become a mainstay color for any type of wedding, and white — once a
major no-no — is becoming more acceptable for guests to wear, especially as more
brides select gowns with colors incorporated.
“For a long time, brides didn’t want any guest to wear white, especially
females,” Scott said. “But that’s changed. It’s now okay for guests to wear
white, as long as they add some color to it.”
Both Scott and Londrigan suggest guests also consider the personality of the
couple and the wedding’s theme, if any, when selecting proper attire.
The next decision guests typically face is what to give the couple. To make
the selection process fairly simple, many couples set up gift registries at two
or three stores.
Guests can either send the gift beforehand, which Londrigan says is becoming
more popular, or take a gift or card to the reception. Etiquette allows for up
to a year to send a gift. Deciding how much is appropriate to spend on the
couple, however, might not be so easy, Scott said.
Factors to consider are “how long you have known the couple, how close are
you to them and are you related or not,” she said. “If you are a friend and not
really close to the couple, $25 is a nice amount to spend,” she said. But keep
in mind the formality of the event; the more formal, the more money the hosts
are spending for you to attend, which may influence your decision, Scott added.
Wedding day
On this day, the best thing guests can do is be on time, said the Rev. Robert
Jallus, pastor at St. Agnes Church. He advises guests to arrive at least 20
minutes early to sign the guest book and find a seat. Arriving any later could
congest the processional.
Those who do arrive late should avoid interfering with the ceremony, he said.
“Try to slip into the pew as inconspicuously as possible. You might want to
enter through the side instead of the center aisle,” he said. “The point being,
don’t draw attention to yourself.”
Also, be strategic in where you sit if you bring a child who may become
fussy, Jallus said. He suggests finding a seat on the side aisle to allow for a
prompt exit.
If the ceremony will be held at a church of a faith different from guests,
that shouldn’t deter them from attending, he said. In fact, he encourages such
guests to join in as best they can. Many pastors, he said, make it easy for
everyone to follow along.
For example, a Catholic wedding usually includes Holy Communion. Although
non-Catholics should not partake in communion, Jallus said they still can
participate in the processional.
“Some non-Catholics will walk in the communion procession and put their hands
over their chest, or their heart, to receive a blessing,” he said, adding it’s
also a nice idea to pray for the couple.
When the ceremony has ended, shower the couple with confetti or bubbles— if
provided— and head to the reception site. Once again, be on time. Arrive at the
reception hall before the couple to participate in the events planned there,
such as the wedding party introductions, cake cutting and first dance. Being a
part of the party— and making it such— is a guest’s biggest role, Londrigan
said.
“Visit with everybody, and mingle. ... That’s really important to the bride
and groom as well. They want everyone to meet each other and hit it off and
really have a fun evening.”
Just don’t have too much fun, she said.
People of all ages attend weddings, Londrigan said, so keep outlandish
behaviors in check. (For instance, she advised that guests not use the host bar
as a chance to experiment with hard liquor.)
More than anything, Londrigan said, guests should make any effort to be a
positive part of the couple’s day.
“And just have fun,” she said. “That’s the whole point of the whole process—
to have fun so that the bride and groom feel like they were great hosts.”
