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Tips for Staying Married and in Love
ASSOCIATED PRESS
NEW YORK -- You're in love, getting married and hoping to stay that way. But you know the odds are not all that good for American marriages.
Take some comfort from the voice of experience. Or rather, the voices: Three couples who've logged at least 60 years each of successful matrimony offer some homespun advice tested over times of war, economic hardship, and illness. All now live in the Bronx at Kittay House, senior housing sponsored by Jewish Home & Hospital.
There's Marion Kessler and her activist husband, Sam, who eventually became chairman of the New York chapter of the Amalgamated Clothing Workers of America. Married 66 years, they've survived the Great Depression and separation during World War II, raising two daughters along the way.
Money was tight, but they never argued about it, they say. Each week he'd hand her an envelope with money for household expenses.
"I never had to ask for money," she says.
"And I never asked how she spent it," he says.
Eve and Philip Fine have been married for 64 years, producing two daughters. They cemented their relationship by deliberately cultivating mutual interests. Fine, an accountant, and his wife first tried investments. Then bridge. Finally, they found ballroom dancing, something they enjoyed until Fine started using a walker.
"I love the rumba," declares Eve Fine. "We danced every weekend. We even had our 50th anniversary in the dance studio!"
Libby and Saul Schlosser, parents of two children, were wed 61 years ago. They still are the same sweethearts they were as students at Eastern District High School in the Williamsburg section of Brooklyn, their romance undimmed by separation during World War II.
"Everything's the best about Libby," says Schlosser, who was an office manager for an optical supply company. And his wife says, "He's such a joy to be with, always kind, always pleasant."
So these six people got together and talked about what makes a marriage happy. Some of their advice:
-Present a united front. Don't denigrate your partner to anyone else. Remember the wonderful things that attracted you to your mate, and don't be shy about letting others know about these qualities.
-Gain perspective from trouble. All marriages will present problems along the way, and events like war, separation, illness or financial hardship will test a couple's strength in dealing with them.
-Look for someone who shares your values. Any couple can expect to argue, a normal part of human behavior. But sharing similar values and goals can keep them from serious, destructive fights that can destroy the marriage. "When we had an argument one of us always gave in," says Kessler. "It was me!" both he and his wife chorus.
-Money matters. Pick a mate you trust, and trust him or her. Set your financial goals together and work together to meet them.
- Keep love alive. Infatuation fades, but a couple can sustain attraction, enthusiasm and the comfort of sex over time. "If you keep your love alive you won't get bored," says Mrs. Fine. And her husband responds: "It's only natural to look at a beautiful woman as long as you go home and take those feelings out on your wife."
- Try to make your partner happy. People who love one another try to be understanding, considerate and generous.
- Respect your partner's opinion. You may not always agree, but you should listen.
- Families are what make you happy. Don't get swept up by family disagreements or in-law problems.
- And a little mazel. It's love and luck. These three couples say for a long marriage, eat right, don't smoke, exercise, wear a scarf and get enough sleep. Then if you love each other and have good genes, you can have a long, happy marriage.
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