In that first moment of just-engaged bliss, you and your future mate probably weren't thinking about what's coming between you and the wedding day.

Lots.

Get ready for the phone calls, Internet logons, comparison shopping, watching out for scams, negotiating, budgeting, figuring out who will pay for what, dealing with competing relatives (including those on your side of the family), deciding on who's invited and who will be in the wedding party, where the wedding and reception will take place, what the gown will look like, what will be included in the ceremony, what everyone will eat and drink at the reception, and on and on.

Not only that, you two have to agree on these things and keep relatively stress-free so you, the bride, will still be blushing, and you, the groom, will still be confident.

Maybe you should just elope.

"Many couples bring preconceived notions of what their wedding day should look like," said Dr. Paul Ciborowski, professor of counseling and psychology at C.W. Post University in Brookville, N.Y. "The reality of the cost and the need to accept the desires of their partner more often than not forces significant changes in the game plan."

Not to mention the desires of all those relatives. Ciborowski advises couples to present a united front when dealing with suggestions or demands from the families. Decide what you as a couple want to do. Then the bride should explain the decision to her family, and the groom to his.

The cost and who pays are among the biggest decisions to make.

Ciborowski advises couples to define who pays for what as one of their first decisions. The money issues should be settled and clearly understood before any down payments are made or contracts signed. That will prevent misunderstandings that could balloon into real problems later.

"The average wedding today costs about $20,000," said Dr. Angela Thompson, sociology instructor at Texas Christian University in Fort Worth.

That means making and sticking with a budget are more important than ever. "By knowing how much you are willing to spend you are less likely to be talked into purchasing what you can't afford, don't want, or don't need," said Thompson, who specializes in the wedding industry and is writing a book about becoming a wedding consultant. "Then, you must be very strict with your budget and really stick to it."

The budget is also a good way to avoid being scammed, she added. In Thompson's book, "Unveiled: Secrets of the Wedding Industry" (Alegna Publishing, $10.95 paperback), she also recommends setting timetables for getting things done and establishing the worthiness of vendors by finding out if they are Better Business Bureau members, checking references from previous customers, and getting advance information about payment and refund procedures, delivery and setup fees, liability service, and so on.

"Wedding planning is like putting together a puzzle," she said. "You need to see the picture on the front of the box to have an idea of what the final project should look like.

"In the end, remember your wedding is special to you, not necessarily to the professionals you will be working with."

Both experts advise not getting overwhelmed with the details. It's a day to celebrate, not a trial to endure, said Ciborowski. Thompson advises taking a break when the stress level escalates.

"Step back from planning and treat yourself to a hot bath, a night on the town with your honey, or a walk in the park. It doesn't matter what you do as long as you don't discuss the wedding. This break will give you time to relax and clear your head."

"Unveiled: Secrets of the Wedding Industry," by Angela Thompson, is available for $10.95 plus $2.50 shipping and handling from Alegna Publishing, P.O. Box 100836, Fort Worth, Texas, 76185.

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