Contributing writer

I said 'I do' almost 21 years ago.

I recall trying to pick out that perfect dress. I scrutinized every dress I saw, searching for the most fashionable -- and the most appropriate. Should it be taffeta overlay organza? What was the best combination of materials? Oh, the dilemma! Times have changed. My most recent fashion decision this week was which pair of elastic waist, fake zipper denim pull ons had the least amount of stains to wear to my son's basketball game. The high-paced world of fashion still haunts me.

So, it's been two decades since I sported a wedding gown. It appears it will be a sport to try and get the gown on now. Maybe I could set up an arena and sell tickets to the show. (Hint: If you're in a betting mood, the dress has the better odds to win.) I eye my opponent, looking at the garment draped over the hanger. It's still a beautiful dress, but some of the material has changed from stark white to manilla over the years -- there's a message in there somewhere. Anyway, I reach for the ensemble. I remove one part and gingerly put it on. It fits! Will miracles never cease? Of course, it's only the hat....

It isn't out of fashion, either, it still looks good. Alright, I'm warming up for the dress. It gets caught around my neck twice. Then it won't slide over my thighs the way it used to. I concede the match and leave the event. I flounce out of the arena wearing the train for the dress attached to the hat as my veil.

The last wedding I attended was a second wedding for the bride and the groom. I thought of what I would do differently if I were to plan a wedding today. First -- and unusual for a woman my age -- I would marry the same man. That's

a good thing.

The reception would be different, though. People would arrive on time, give or take 20 minutes. The reception would begin with the cake. The cake would be a scrumptious concoction made from scratch -- the kind mixed up by hand in a big bowl with a wooden spoon. It's would be made with cake flour, Crisco, sugar and eggs -- with the beaten whites folded into the batter at the end of the recipe. The frosting would made using the buttercream method -- with real butter, confectioner's sugar, milk, almond flavoring, and a pinch of salt.

Next, the waiters would come around with coffee from Dunkin' Donuts. I don't need tasteful carafes, I need coffee that tastes great. It has been premeasured with the right amount of cream and sugar. Each cup in the room would be filled with this elixer of the gods. What? You don't drink it coffee? Take it anyway, I'll be around to give hugs and have a slug of it. I can -- I'm the bride. Oh, the groom. He's lucky, he likes coffee too. Everyone pause. close your eyes, smell. Wedding cake and caffeine. Breathe deep. It's a little bit of Heaven.

And now, the presents....

Bring it on. The gift patrol. Start them moving. These are rated on a scale. The most awesome gift givers are given the lowest numbers to start the buffett line. I'll have a deli ticket dispenser right beside the food. I'm not totally shallow and materialistic. The people that brought inexpensive, sentimental gifts can reserve the right to have a panel of judges rate them with their score cards. If scoring is above an 8.5 average they wll be allowed to cut the line in front of the last 15. So, group givers BEWARE and know ahead of time what you're sending. It's better to give if you want to receive lunch.

Girls, (don't be offended, I can say girls, ladies, whatever -- I am one), it's 2001. It is time that the men have the on the spot embarrassing bridal (or groomal) showers. Let's face facts: Showers are only fun if you are the one opening the gifts. Remember having to wear the paper plate filled with gift bows on your head? Or having someone read back all of your comments as you opened the gifts, saying this is what would be said to your groom on the honeymoon night? (Such as, 'Ohhhhhhhh, this is soooooooooo nice!')

Oh, and the worst -- opening a negligee in front of your soon-to-be-mother-in-law?

Let's turn the tables. Make the men deal with this shower stuff. We wouldn't need to rent a hall. A locker room, right after a game, would do just fine.

Surprise! There is no need for a caterer. Everything you need can be picked up at the corner convenience store. You won't need silverware -- Doritos can be opened by hand and you can twist a cap off a bottle of Bud with your teeth. The host will rip the cellophane off pepperoni and cheese sticks, bite, snap, and pass it on to the next guy.

Forget the fancy plates and napkins, you have shirt sleeves and damp towels handy. Don't bother spending much on elegant wrappings, a brown paper bag will do. If you do want to go all out and get fancy, use the Sunday comics and duct tape.

So now you have a glimpse into the future when it's time to try on that old bridal gown, some ideas for a truly tasteful wedding reception and a seed of an idea for a complete revolution in the bridal shower arena. Here are some more tips for the happy couple:

• If your best man has been a vegetarian for past two years, don't give him bacon for breakfast, that morning. He will pass out into the front pew during your vows.
• If your organist is elderly, make sure she's had her Geritol that morning, so she doesn't doze on the keys with a high C during your ring ceremony.
• Only invite people who make you happy. Surround yourself with friends and well-wishers. Mean-spirited people need not RSVP.
• Don't bother registering a china pattern. Who are you going to entertain anyway, ambassadors from foreign countries? I have a full set of formal place settings. Of course, they're mismatched and chipped. I use them for my best company, daily -- my own family. You will never have more distinguished important people dine at your kitchen table than them. Enjoy your time together and on Sunday nights eat in the living room to catch an episode of 'The Simpsons' while balancing it on your lap.
• Always use the three P's: patience, partnership, and prayer.
• You may kiss the bride, and do it often.

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