Los Angeles Times

Vincent LaRosa Jr. left no stone unturned when he planned his November wedding nearly four years ago. "I set up all the appointments and we went together and checked everything out," said the 38-year-old automobile consultant from Roslyn Heights, N.Y.

He chose the hall, the photographer, the band; he had definite ideas about what would be sung at the church and the reception and was even involved in the wording of the invitations. In fact, he did just about everything, he said, except selecting the bride's wedding dress.

"She basically said okay to everything I picked except for the flowers. We were there together, but I made the decision. My last name is LaRosa, so I wanted roses. She got bent out of shape because I planned everything else."

His wife, Clare, said she was happy to have his help, partly because her job as a physical therapist didn't leave her time to attend to every detail.

"We didn't agree on everything right away," she emphasized, but "it was good to do it together. He was probably more involved than most of my friends, husbands, but I didn't think it was unusual for him."

Vincent LaRosa's heightened interest and active involvement is right in line with the new age of wedding planning. Gone are the days when the bride and her mother made all the decisions and the groom's role was just to show up at the right time and place.

More often than not, today's weddings are planned by couples who see their special day as a joint venture. There's even a slick new magazine titled For the Groom, from Wings Media. Its aim is to address bridegrooms, specific questions, concerns and needs.

"We saw that there were so many guys getting more involved," says editor in chief Joe Carter. "But because of guys being guys they're fairly clueless about what it takes to be a good groom. No one's dad sits down with their son and says, 'You're going to get married someday and it's going to go like this.,"

According to the federal government's National Center for Health Statistics, there are 2.2 million weddings every year -- about one-third of them remarriages. Carter says that means "a lot of guys are looking for some help."

He's probably right. Bride's magazine estimates that more than 75 percent of grooms now participate in bridal registries and up to 40 percent are actively involved in the wedding details. Some wedding planners think the figures are even higher.

Holly Lefevre, a Los Angeles-based wedding consultant and co-author with Christine Cudanes of "How to 'I Do': Planning the Ultimate Wedding in Six Weekends or Less" (ReganBooks, $20) says, "In 80 percent of my weddings, the grooms are very involved in finding the music, the transportation. I have yet to see a groom turn down going on a cake tasting or food tasting for the catering."

There are many reasons for the cultural shift, not the least of which is the number of remarriages and dual-career couples. For one, most couples are older and more affluent than those of 30 years ago. According to the health statistics center, which is based in Bethesda, Md., the average age of brides has risen from 21 in 1964 to 25 in 1990, the latest year for which those statistics are available, and grooms are now closer to age 26 up two years from 1964 -- when they say "I do."

"They've grown up," says Lefevre. "They've moved away from their hometown, they're planning where they live and their parents might not necessarily live (nearby). They're in charge of what their day is going to look like. I have very few grooms who are willing to let the bride do everything."

Nearly 80 percent of couples are paying or helping to pay for their wedding, according to Bride's magazine -- and it's no surprise that money alters the balance of power. "I don't know if it starts out that the grooms are keeping control of the budget and making sure the finances don't go overboard," Lefevre said, but "then they get a little more into it than they even imagined."

Tony O'Connor, a 40-year-old second-time groom, and his fiancee Joanne Lamour, also on her second trip to the altar, are both paying for the wedding they're planning in August. "We know what we want and don't want," she said.

Both were involved in choosing the hall, the wedding party's attire, the honeymoon and other details. O'Connor, a builder/contractor who lives in Manhattan Beach, Calif., has taken his involvement quite a bit further -- he's diagramed his bride's entire wedding day.

"She's always late," he said. "I was looking at all the things she has to do to prepare and I knew it would be hard for her. I didn't want her to be nervous and rushed on her wedding day. I planned it out, starting the night before with the rehearsal dinner, what time she should go to bed, what time she should wake up. I laid out her day so she could have a relaxing day, spend time with family and friends, have time for lunch, have time to put her makeup on."

Lamour, a 34-year-old marketing manager for a computer distributor, said her fiance has taken a lot of the pressure off her. "I was having nightmares that we are not going to have enough food, nobody will show up. I think Tony was feeling my stress. At first he didn't know if I wanted to do it all. I've got such a large account (at work) that I'm in meetings and can't do a lot of daytime phone calls. His day is a little more open than mine."

Busy work schedules are a driving force in the modern approach many grooms have for their big day. "When you've got both halves of the couple working, no one's got the time," Carter said. "It's almost as if the groom has to be involved. You've got a social, cultural shift where the guys feel more of an equal partnership with the woman they're going to marry, and they just feel they should be involved."

The groom's increased involvement is also good practice for the series of compromises that the institution of marriage is all about. According to Michael D. Zentman, a, clinical psychologist in Centerport, N.Y., and director of the Couple Therapy Postdoctoral Program at Adelphi University in Garden City, N.Y.: "It's good practice, especially for people who don't co-habit before they marry, in negotiating around very emotional issues. The wedding is a real acid test because it's a very stressful time. If a couple can get through that effectively, they will have accomplished something."

Christine Earthy, a 25-year-old event planner from Huntington, N.Y., said her intended is equally involved in the decision-making process. "We discuss everything from the food we're having, the flowers. We give each other our opinions. A wedding is for two people," she added. "Marriage is about compromise and it's for your lifetime together. It shouldn't be one-sided."

ART: Color slide of groom. Caption: More men are getting involved in their weddings these days -- from picking what they want to wear to planning the reception. This is Bellagio formal wear with a no-button jacket and satin-banded collar. Photo courtesy of After Six. Distributed by the Los Angeles Times Syndicate.

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